Peer Mediating.

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Peer Mediating.
 Ramuh.Rustytiger
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By Ramuh.Rustytiger 2009-03-02 23:50:55
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Hello. Nice to meet you all. I'm new to these forums, so bear with me.

Lately, there have been some things on my mind with FFXI. Well basically ever since I started attending endgame events it's been a roller coaster ride mentally, at least for me and the concept involved. It's been a year now since I've started attending Dynamis, Sky, Limbus, all that jazz. While it has been fun and a good experience, its also brought out the worst among friends and peers.
Many people have looked to me as the "mediator" or rational one of the group, to my surprise. I do my best to give advice and I've even gone as far as to try to talk two people who would argue with each other and get them to work things out. At times things would work out well afterwards. At times it doesn't work out or it get's just worse.
It does get to the point sometimes where I just don't even bother anymore and I let "nature run it's course" as it were because I've been realizing lately that at the end of the day the people with the problems have to come to a choice as to what they want to do; end the drama or continue it? Even when people get to the point where they want to quit the game because they don't-say-have all the fancy gear they want, yet in my eyes, If feel you just either don't bother with it if its hard to obtain or you keep going and don't give up. I've suggested this to many people as well, to use as an example.

My point of all of this is do you, as other players, feel the same way sometimes; that you do your best to help others by rationalizing and getting them to understand a problematic situation better? I say this because I sometimes feel that why should I bother anymore or should I do what I've always done?

While I want people to try and do their best and enjoy the game as I do and even though civility online with MMOs is far from what I expected, I would like to think I've been doing my best to help others in this way, yet lately it has been mentally exhausting.

Please, share you thoughts and suggestions.

Peace.

-Rusty.
 Lakshmi.Jaerik
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By Lakshmi.Jaerik 2009-03-03 00:08:41
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I, too, frequently end up the mediator or peacemaker when it comes to these things in games. Not just as a player, but also as an MMO developer. After close to a decade in both roles, there's a few things I've learned to be wary of, however.

If someone says they don't understand why they keep ending up in bad circumstances or with horrible interpersonal drama, they are failing to recognize that the only constant factor in every previous bad situation is them.

There are a lot of genuinely unhappy, perpetually self-destructing types out there. Many of them are drawn to MMO's, and many of them are very good at coming up with excuses why it wasn't their fault. These type come to the "mediator" type not for help, like they may claim, but for commisseration. They want sympathy and agreement -- not actual assistance.

Many times, the best help you can give someone is to try and make them realize how their own actions have contributed to the situation they find themselves in, so they can fix it and get themselves out of it. However after many hours of trying to help them, many people will nod, smile, take your advice, and then do nothing to actually help themselves, because on some level, remaining in their bad position ensures they continue to get the drama and attention they desire.

It is very important to recognize when this is happening, and get yourself the hell outta there. If you stay in that position, you are no longer a mediator -- you are a doormat. You are enabling them, and that makes you complicit in their drama. You are going to find every last ounce of your patience and sympathy bled dry by those people, until you have nothing left to offer.

Keep being a good person, but be careful. Keep giving people the benefit of the doubt at first, but be very careful that your assistance is helping fix the problem and not just feeding into it.
 Asura.Korpg
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By Asura.Korpg 2009-03-03 00:28:53
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Most of the time, mediators are placed in the worst situations. You can't resolve conflict without pissing off both sides. So, you end up being hated by 2 or more parties every time you meditate anything.
 Ragnarok.Anye
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By Ragnarok.Anye 2009-03-03 01:59:58
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Jaerik said:
I, too, frequently end up the mediator or peacemaker when it comes to these things in games. Not just as a player, but also as an MMO developer. After close to a decade in both roles, there's a few things I've learned to be wary of, however.

If someone says they don't understand why they keep ending up in bad circumstances or with horrible interpersonal drama, they are failing to recognize that the only constant factor in every previous bad situation is them.

There are a lot of genuinely unhappy, perpetually self-destructing types out there. Many of them are drawn to MMO's, and many of them are very good at coming up with excuses why it wasn't their fault. These type come to the "mediator" type not for help, like they may claim, but for commisseration. They want sympathy and agreement -- not actual assistance.

Many times, the best help you can give someone is to try and make them realize how their own actions have contributed to the situation they find themselves in, so they can fix it and get themselves out of it. However after many hours of trying to help them, many people will nod, smile, take your advice, and then do nothing to actually help themselves, because on some level, remaining in their bad position ensures they continue to get the drama and attention they desire.

It is very important to recognize when this is happening, and get yourself the hell outta there. If you stay in that position, you are no longer a mediator -- you are a doormat. You are enabling them, and that makes you complicit in their drama. You are going to find every last ounce of your patience and sympathy bled dry by those people, until you have nothing left to offer.

Keep being a good person, but be careful. Keep giving people the benefit of the doubt at first, but be very careful that your assistance is helping fix the problem and not just feeding into it.

I've had the experience of having my patience and sympathy bled dry by people who I've tried to help in the past. Often those who are unable to see beyond a self-centered perspective will not change their outlook on things in order to better the situation, and will stubbornly persist in causing drama, and in extreme cases, emotional hurt to the other party.

If anyone has ever found themselves in this kind of situation, I would really adhere to Jae's advice--"be very careful that your assistance is helping fix the problem and not just feeding into it."
 Ramuh.Rustytiger
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By Ramuh.Rustytiger 2009-03-04 04:19:58
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Thank you for the advice everyone. You've given me much to think about and consider, not to mention peace of mind.
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