Poetry

I don't know how many of you out there actually write poetry but I thought it could be fun to read others poems and possible critique them if they wanted.


Here I'll start:

Life
Merry blue eyes that would
Laugh and cry
Are broken windows.
And no longer do I hear
The thoughts that
So often brought me mirth
For those blanched lips
Are still.

Too soon I see a face
Far to familiar
Disappear.

A blank mask
White from death
Is all thats left.

Dreams of hope can help me breath
whence i came from chill of night
darkness consumes most of my being
then shadows pass and rays shine through
a new day beckons and my dreams of hope
start anew

BARGAINS IMPRISONING ME
ALL THAT I SEE
ABSOLUTE SAVINGS
WHAT A GREAT DEAL
WHAT A GREAT FIND
LOOK AT THESE JEANS
DAMN I LOOK SEXY AS HELLLLLLLLL

I CAN'T REMEMBER ANYTHING
CAN'T TELL IF I NEED SLACKS OR JEANS
MY WIFE SAID TO CHECK THE SEAMS
MY TERRIBLE FLIP FLOPS MOCK ME!

Okay now that's kinda funny.

I'm in intermediate poetry for college this semester. I sorta hate it, I'm switching to non-fiction as my main genre next semester. I have to write a poetry chapbook for this semester, though, as my Final. ;;

As for the OP, good stuff going on with your line breaks, my teacher is always harping on us to choose interesting last words for lines. Use of caesura in your first line might be cool, if you wrote "Life, merry/blue eyes" instead of "Life/merry blue eyes." It would sound as though life was merry at the start, then let the reader understand that the eyes are merry in the next line. You could also cut out 'and' at the start of your 5th line and 'for' at the start of your 8th and make it have the same meaning.

God, I need to shut up, been doing too many poetry workshops for my classmates lately. You do really do some interesting things with your line breaks, and it was nice to use broken windows as imagery for eyes instead of the old cliche of eyes as windows to the soul. It took an old expression and tweaked it to make it interesting again, I liked that. Blanched lips was a great image, too, people might think of cheeks or faces being blanched but having it be the lips was striking.

lawl... Im in a poetry class to at my college.. "Life" was supposed to be the title of the poem..I feel bad leaving serious literature un-named.. not as intense, but its like an un-named baby.

Edit: I do agree about the modifications you mentioned. I brought this in for a workshop but the class only said "This is good" and didnt offer any suggestions. Post one of yours now d^^b

Oh! If Life was the title, then that makes more sense. I'm not sure if I'm allowed to post any of mine until after I hand them all in for chapbooks, because the teacher mumbled some nonsense about trying to publish a couple students' chapbooks. I'll ask her today and if she ok's it, I can post one or pm you one. I HATE it when I present a poem for workshops and my classmates just say that it's good. My poems are never perfect, and I guarantee they could find improvements for me if they weren't lazy. ;; That one of yours really was fine, though, I could only find petty nitpicky modifications.

If your worried, just wait.. I know some teachers use a plagiarism checker and that could cause some problems.

One of my poems on DA

Since I'm in poetry class I figured I'd post two short ones:

Child
Wailing voices scream and cry
Hunger pinches the stomach
And tears stain the face.
Fatigue drags them down
Into the fit of a child.


Morning bring pinks
That fade to blue and white.
As the day wears on
The sky bruises and dies.

I love your assonance/internal rhyming with "into... fit" "Morning bring pinks" and "sky... dies." Wish I had that kind of skill over finding internal rhymes for my blechy poems. You did it with stain and drags, too, not in the same line but it has the same cool effect. My poetry class is over on Thursday, May 6th. If this thread is still going by then I'll post one of mine. :-)

I like how you use words like asphyxiate. It's just a word, just like any other word, but it's not a commonly used one and most people don't hear it on an everyday basis so it adds interest and fascination to the poem.

Lol! Rowland, you just sorta rock, hope you know.

Does this count?
I take no credit for this...i found this on Killing Ifrit in maybe 2006.


I'm wonry - So wonry
I seek PT - JP onry
I get invite - It's in Engrish
I reply - Can yoo see dish
I use translator - To be speaking
To let people - See how im seeking
You NA - Think your so good
But we PT - Yoo use no food
When we travel - And need sneaking
You have no pots - What are you thinking
Your white mage - He is nuking
What the f**k - I am puking
Can we renkei - Pretty please
I have my weapon - And TP
How many mobs - I'm confused
Two pullers - What tactics - I'm Amused
Our XP is rolling - 1k an hour
All I can think of is - NA Power
Were on our 4th BLM - 2nd PLD to
Whos in our PT - I dont know what to do
I lot on crystal - They kick me out
I see my chat - They flame me in ./shout
I go back to Jeuno - Hopeless & meek
I edit my comment - And turn on my seek
My comment if you look - My comment you see

I SPEAK NO ENGRISH - JP ONRY!!!

:o Lol Ipkus! I'm going to have to save that one, it's too cute.

I love that Ipkus! Rowland yours was good too. I <3 them haikus

There once was a man who loved liver.
He ate so much that he'd quiver.
He died on the third.
He smelled like a turd-
So his friends threw him into the river.

Wood smoke, death, candy, one in the morning calls.. I've heard all of these things in the last hour or so.

Ninja edit: oh and the fricken snow.. because its snowing again....